Influence is the cornerstone of human interaction—whether in business, leadership, friendship, or parenting. To influence someone effectively doesn’t mean to manipulate or coerce them. It means inspiring, persuading, and guiding them toward a decision or behavior that ideally benefits both parties. Real influence is built on trust, empathy, and strategy. In this article, we’ll explore the five best practices for influencing a person with depth, clarity, and ethical awareness.
1. Build Authentic Trust First
Why Trust Is Non-Negotiable
Influence begins and ends with trust. If the person you’re trying to influence doesn’t trust you, they’re not likely to listen—let alone change their behavior or opinions. People are more likely to be open to your suggestions when they believe you’re honest, consistent, and looking out for their best interests.
How to Build Trust
- Be Consistent: Whether it’s your words, actions, or tone, consistency breeds reliability.
- Show Vulnerability: Share relevant failures or lessons. This makes you relatable, not weak.
- Keep Your Word: Follow through on promises, no matter how small.
- Actively Listen: Demonstrate you care about their perspective without interrupting or pre-judging.
Example
Think of a manager trying to convince an employee to take on a difficult project. If the manager has always been transparent, helpful, and supportive, the employee is more likely to accept the challenge—even if it’s hard—because there’s a foundation of trust.
2. Understand Their Motivations Deeply
Influence Isn’t About You—It’s About Them
One of the most common mistakes people make when trying to influence others is focusing on what they want. True influence, however, requires you to understand what the other person wants, fears, values, or believes. It’s about stepping into their shoes.
How to Discover Motivation
- Ask Open-Ended Questions: “What’s most important to you in this situation?”
- Read Between the Lines: Sometimes, body language and tone tell you more than words.
- Identify Core Values: Are they driven by achievement, security, love, freedom?
- Find the ‘Why’: Why might they resist or support a change? Why do they care?
Tailoring Your Message
Once you know what drives someone, you can frame your message in a way that aligns with their values. For instance, if someone is risk-averse, highlight how your idea reduces uncertainty rather than emphasizing innovation.
Example
A teacher trying to influence a disengaged student might realize the student is motivated by creativity rather than competition. Instead of pushing for better grades, the teacher might assign a creative project, subtly guiding them toward the same goal.
3. Use the Power of Reciprocity
Giving First Creates Openness
Reciprocity is a psychological trigger. When someone does something for us, we naturally want to do something in return. This principle can be used ethically to build influence.
What You Can Offer
- Time: Help them with a project.
- Value: Share useful advice or connections.
- Appreciation: Recognize their efforts.
- Information: Give them something insightful they didn’t know.
The key is to give genuinely, not as a trick. People can sense manipulation. True generosity builds goodwill, which lays the groundwork for influence.
Example
Imagine a colleague helps you navigate a tricky software system without being asked. Later, when they propose a new workflow, you’re more likely to listen and support it—not just because it’s a good idea, but because they’ve earned your goodwill.
4. Frame Your Message Strategically
It’s Not Just What You Say, But How You Say It
Human decision-making is rarely logical. We respond to how things feel more than how they function. That’s why the framing of your message matters so much.
Key Framing Techniques
- Positive Framing: Emphasize benefits over drawbacks. “This approach could boost your performance,” rather than “You’re underperforming.”
- Loss Aversion: People are more motivated by potential loss than gain. “You could lose this opportunity” is often more compelling than “You could gain this.”
- Storytelling: Use relatable anecdotes or metaphors. Facts inform, but stories persuade.
- Social Proof: People tend to follow what others are doing. “Three other teams have adopted this method successfully.”
Tone Matters
Be assertive, not aggressive. Be empathetic, not patronizing. Match your tone to the relationship and context.
Example
A sales rep trying to convince a business to switch to their service might say, “Companies similar to yours have reduced costs by 25% within three months,” rather than, “You’re spending too much money.”
5. Know When to Push—and When to Back Off
Timing Is Everything
Influence requires patience. Pushing too hard at the wrong time can backfire. People need time to process new ideas, especially if the change is uncomfortable or risky. Good influencers know how to strike a balance between being persuasive and respectful.
Signs to Pause or Step Back
- Defensiveness: If the person becomes guarded or argumentative, it’s time to slow down.
- Information Overload: Don’t bombard them with too much at once.
- Emotional Response: If emotions run high, take a break and revisit the conversation later.
Gentle Persistence
Backing off doesn’t mean giving up. Circle back later with a slightly different approach. Sometimes people need multiple touchpoints to say yes.
Influence Isn’t Always Immediate
You might plant a seed that blooms weeks or even months later. Don’t expect instant results. People often need time to come around on their own terms.
Example
A friend trying to help another quit smoking may offer support, resources, and reasons—but if met with resistance, they might step back, knowing the friend has to be ready. That non-pushy support may be exactly what makes the difference later.
6. Mirror and Match Their Communication Style
Subtle Imitation Builds Connection
One of the most effective yet underused influence techniques is mirroring. This doesn’t mean mimicking someone awkwardly—it means subtly adapting your body language, tone, pace, and vocabulary to match theirs. When done with care, this creates subconscious rapport.
Why It Works
Humans naturally like people who feel “familiar.” When you mirror someone, they often feel more at ease because your communication resembles their own.
Areas to Mirror
- Body language: If they’re sitting upright and composed, match that posture.
- Speaking pace: Speak more slowly with reflective people; more energetically with extroverts.
- Vocabulary: Use similar words and phrases they use to describe their goals or problems.
Example
A recruiter speaking to a highly analytical candidate may use more data-driven language and logic. But with a creative marketing professional, they may lean into metaphors and vision-building. Each person feels “understood” on their own wavelength.
7. Appeal to Emotion, Not Just Logic
Emotions Drive Decisions
People like to think of themselves as logical beings. But in reality, emotions play a far more significant role in our decisions than pure facts. Influence becomes much more powerful when it connects with someone’s heart, not just their mind.
Emotional Triggers That Influence
- Fear: “What happens if you do nothing?”
- Hope: “Imagine how much easier your life could be…”
- Pride: “This role could really showcase your leadership.”
- Belonging: “Everyone on the team is behind this idea.”
The Right Balance
While emotion is critical, don’t overdo it or rely on guilt or manipulation. Combine emotional storytelling with credible facts to make your message both inspiring and trustworthy.
Example
An environmental nonprofit looking for donations may present statistics about deforestation, but it’s the emotional story of a displaced family or endangered species that compels action.
8. Ask, Don’t Tell
Questions Are More Influential Than Commands
Telling someone what to do can feel controlling. But asking the right question invites them to own the idea. When someone reaches a conclusion on their own—even if you led them there—they’re far more likely to act.
Use Questions to Guide Thought
- “What do you think would happen if we tried this instead?”
- “How would you feel if things stayed the same in six months?”
- “What’s stopping you from giving this a try?”
Why It Works
When people verbalize their reasoning, it feels internal and personal—not externally imposed. That subtle shift makes a big difference in behavior change.
Example
Instead of saying “You need to exercise more,” a fitness coach might ask, “How do you think your energy levels would change if you added 15 minutes of walking to your day?”
9. Establish Your Credibility Subtly
People Listen to Those They Respect
To influence effectively, the person must see you as credible. But this doesn’t mean bragging or overloading them with credentials. It means establishing expertise or experience in a natural and relevant way.
Ways to Demonstrate Credibility
- Tell a relevant story: “When I faced this same issue last year…”
- Use social proof: “We’ve helped over 100 clients manage this same challenge.”
- Cite experience: “In my five years leading similar projects, I’ve found…”
Be Humble, Not Boastful
If you seem overly self-important, you’ll lose influence. People trust those who are confident but grounded.
Example
A project manager guiding a team through change might say, “We tried this same workflow during our last product launch. It wasn’t easy at first, but by week three, the whole team was saving time.”
10. Be Patient and Play the Long Game
Influence Rarely Happens Instantly
Some decisions take time. Some minds need multiple exposures. Some relationships need space to deepen before real influence can take root. That’s why the most effective influencers understand the importance of playing the long game.
Keep Showing Up
- Stay in touch without being overbearing.
- Continue adding value in small ways.
- Reinforce key messages with gentle repetition.
- Stay aligned with your core values—people notice.
Influence Is a Journey, Not a Moment
You may not see immediate results, but if you plant seeds consistently, build trust slowly, and stay authentic, your influence will grow naturally over time.
Example
A leader trying to shift company culture doesn’t succeed overnight. But by consistently modeling the right behavior, recognizing others who follow, and reinforcing the same message month after month, the shift gradually takes hold.
11. Create a Sense of Shared Identity
“We” Is More Powerful Than “You”
Humans are social creatures. We are more likely to be influenced by those we perceive as part of our tribe—people who share our goals, values, or background. When you present yourself as part of the same “in-group,” influence becomes far more natural.
How to Foster Shared Identity
- Use inclusive language: Say “we,” “us,” and “together.”
- Highlight common ground: Shared goals, challenges, or passions.
- Align your story with theirs: Make your journey feel like their journey.
Why It Works
When people see you as one of them, they become more open and less defensive. Your suggestions feel like collaborative ideas—not external demands.
Example
A political leader may say, “As parents, we all want safe schools,” or “We’ve all felt the pressure of rising costs.” This instantly builds a bridge of understanding and solidarity with the audience.
12. Use Contrast to Make Your Idea More Attractive
People Understand Value Through Comparison
Sometimes, the key to influencing someone isn’t just presenting your idea—it’s showing how it’s better than the alternatives. When people see a stark contrast, they’re more likely to choose the favorable option.
Techniques for Using Contrast
- Before vs. After: Show how life improves with the change.
- Option A vs. Option B: Let them compare pros and cons visually.
- Worst-Case Scenario: Without scare tactics, show what’s at risk if no action is taken.
Why It Works
Humans are wired to avoid loss and pursue gains. Giving them a clear “contrast” makes decisions easier and your proposal stronger.
Example
A software salesperson might present an old manual workflow versus a new automated solution, emphasizing time saved and error reduction. The difference in efficiency becomes too obvious to ignore.
13. Leverage Timing and Context
When You Say It Matters as Much as What You Say
Sometimes, an otherwise great idea fails to influence simply because it’s delivered at the wrong time. Context is everything. The same message might land powerfully in one setting—and fall flat in another.
Factors to Consider
- Emotional State: Don’t present ideas when the person is angry, stressed, or distracted.
- Environment: Quiet, private settings work better for difficult conversations.
- Momentum: Build on existing enthusiasm or success moments.
- External Trends: Tie your message to relevant news, events, or movements.
Strategic Timing = Stronger Impact
Learn to wait for the right emotional or circumstantial moment. Influence thrives in “windows of openness.”
Example
A nonprofit might time their appeal for donations after a natural disaster, when empathy is heightened. A manager might pitch a new idea right after a team wins a big deal, riding the wave of success.
14. Use Visualization and Mental Imagery
Help Them “See” the Future You’re Suggesting
When you paint a picture in someone’s mind—something positive, inspiring, or relieving—they begin to feel connected to that imagined outcome. That connection builds commitment.
Techniques That Work
- Storytelling: “Imagine it’s six months from now…”
- Sensory Detail: What does the result look, feel, sound like?
- Outcome Focus: Highlight the transformation or benefit, not just the action.
Why It Works
Our brains don’t distinguish much between real and vividly imagined experiences. When you help someone visualize success or relief, it becomes emotionally real—and thus motivating.
Example
A financial advisor helping a client plan for retirement might say, “Picture yourself waking up in a beach house, with no alarms or stress—just peace, and the time to do what you love.”
15. Align with Their Identity and Self-Image
People Want to Act Consistently with Who They Believe They Are
One of the most powerful forms of influence comes from linking your message to someone’s self-identity. If you can show them how your suggestion aligns with who they see themselves as—or who they want to be—they’re more likely to adopt it.
Tactics to Align with Identity
- Use affirming language: “As someone who’s always been goal-driven…”
- Reinforce their values: “This idea really aligns with your focus on sustainability.”
- Show aspirational alignment: “This move puts you on track to be the kind of leader you’ve always wanted to be.”
Why It Works
People are highly motivated to stay consistent with their self-perception. If your influence strategy strengthens their identity, you’ll gain support naturally.
Example
A career coach might tell a client, “You’ve always been someone who embraces challenges. This opportunity may scare you a bit, but it’s exactly what someone like you does to grow.”
Final Thoughts: Influence Is an Art of Alignment, Not Authority
With these additional five strategies, you now have a powerful toolkit of 15 best practices for influencing a person—ethically, effectively, and sustainably. Here’s a recap of the full list:
- Build Authentic Trust First
- Understand Their Motivations Deeply
- Use the Power of Reciprocity
- Frame Your Message Strategically
- Know When to Push—and When to Back Off
- Mirror and Match Their Communication Style
- Appeal to Emotion, Not Just Logic
- Ask, Don’t Tell
- Establish Your Credibility Subtly
- Be Patient and Play the Long Game
- Create a Sense of Shared Identity
- Use Contrast to Make Your Idea More Attractive
- Leverage Timing and Context
- Use Visualization and Mental Imagery
- Align with Their Identity and Self-Image
Real influence isn’t about persuasion through pressure—it’s about partnership, perception, and psychology. By mastering these approaches, you can guide others toward better decisions, build stronger relationships, and become the kind of leader, mentor, or friend that people trust and follow.
